Saturday, December 14, 2019

14 years and a world of change

14 years ago,
when it rained,
i'd run out,
singing sappy love songs,
at the top of my lungs,
laughing and playing,
with droplets of rain.

7 years ago,
when it rained,
i sat in my car,
windows tightly shut,
stereo blasting sappy love songs,
and i thought of,
the lost past.

Today,
when it rained,
i sat near my window,
wide open,
eating hot pizza,
drinking hot tea,
and i smiled.

14 years ago,
when i thought of my love,
i gave the widest grin,
and texted him saying,
I Love You.

7 years ago,
when i thought of my lost love,
i gave myself a sad smile,
looked deep and far into the darkness,
and told myself, that it was over

Today,
i think of my love,
and how none were wrong before,
but yet,
ive finally found the right one.

14 years ago,
i would write to myself,
of all things happy.

7 years ago,
i sat there, much wiser,
less happier.

Today,
i am just me,
perfectly accepting of all that i am, and that i am not.

SR

Thursday, October 17, 2019

Gratitude Day 1

Guess who's starting a gratitude Journal?

Dont quite know but i figured i could write in here everyday, if im lucky, on things that im grateful for :)

1. Im grateful that i have my parents with me and for the love only their hearts can hold  -and for my mom, for she wakes up early every single morning to cook Breakfast and Lunch for me!
<3 p="">
2. Im grateful that i am healthy and that i pretty much get to do what i want (although its limited cos im at work)

3. Im grateful for all the food i have access to :D

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Tiny little kisses

So it started with tiny little kisses,
and i thought to myself,
well, this is way too little,
i need bigger kisses,
bigger smiles and bigger love.

Tiny little kisses and more of them,
and i thought to myself,
well, this isnt too bad,
i need more tiny little kisses,
just a smile on my face and love in your eyes.

Tiny little kisses and none of them,
and i cant stop thinking of you,
and how all i want now,
is just one tiny little kiss,
and a whole lot of you.

Its odd how i've fallen in love with those tiny little kisses now.


Wednesday, April 19, 2017

I'm here, Now.

Let me be,
I'm here now,
and that's all matters.

I asked for my share,
Air gave me breaths,
and a few more.

Conversing with solitude,
Heart whispered,
and now finish what you begun.

I do have to, don't I?
Over my grave,
and Inconsequential .

Nothing more,
Nothing less,
To ask for.

Let me be.

Friday, January 29, 2016

This too... shall..

Oh well,
Everyone moves on,
Everything will come to pass,
You too will darling,
You will emerge,
bruised, scathed, hurt and betrayed.

Some say if it doesn't kill you,
it only makes you stronger.
I disagree,
It kills small parts of you,
the wounds and scars masks,
the old you and turns you into,
a new person,
for better or worse, i know not.

But that's the price you have to pay,
for putting your heart out,
handing it to one so unworthy of it,
sometimes so wrong,
you don't know where it ends, nor starts.

Be calm, don't lose your peace,
for this too shall pass.

Friday, January 15, 2016

Day 2 : What’s something your parents used to say to you as a child that you promised yourself you’d never say—but now you catch yourself saying all the time?

So well, i wrote a whole long post and didn't click save :(
These are reasons why i dont blog for  long time. That heartbreak moment when you realise all your words were in vain.
But anyhoo, shanky is stronger that all of this.
I figured i'd write on this today, just cause.

What’s something your parents used to say to you as a child that you promised yourself you’d never say—but now you catch yourself saying all the time?

Its quite an emotional write to be honest. Ive never wanted children for 3 reasons.

1. Im selfish, i value my freedom more than i should, if i want kids.

2. They may turn out to be rotten apples

3. There were certain things/manner on which my parents brought me up that made me not want any of mine for the fear of repeating th same mistake.

That being said, my folks are lovely people, they've given me th freedom and confidence to do anything my heart wished for. They've given all of us, to their best capability, financial freedom.  They have given us so much love and care over all these years.

If i had to choose one thing i thought never say but i find myself saying now, it probably would be 'i know'. As a child it killed so many conversations and i stopped trying to put my point across because they'd always say i know and make me seem silly. I catch myself saying it sometimes and i always end up feeling quite terrible afterwards. Its something i constantly have to work on and i hope i never make anyone feel th way th 8 year old me felt that one day.

Moving on to a much lighter note.
Ms.SS said behenc**d. That woman cracks me up

Thursday, January 14, 2016

3 Happy things

Oh hello well..

My new years resolution for 2016 was to write more. And its been 14 days into the year already and its only now that i'm writing, at all (besides work related writing).
There are these chewies i got from Melbourne, its called 'The Natural' and on each wrapper there's sort of a riddle/question. One of them caught my eye, What are the 3 things that make you happy? People who know me, know that I value happiness over probably everything else. Its the one single thing that I pray for. SO well, i sat and thought hard about what are the 3 things i'm most happy about/ or that makes me happy.

1. Being happy makes me happy. really, its an oxymoron, i realize but the mere thought of being happy makes me forget my troubles :) Okay fine. I'll scratch that and restart from number 1.

Real No 1. Travelling. I love moving around. the very thought of staying still at one place scares me and it dulls my whole day whenever i have the misfortune of thinking about it. That probably is the reason why i often change jobs (coming to think of it, 3 jobs in 6 years isnt too bad), for the fear of remaining in the same place tad too long.

2. Praying. It gives me a sense of calm, peace and happiness. Especially after some really rough times. and that direct connection you feel with God, its  exhilarating.

3. Music. I remember reading somewhere, music really is like a drug. It invokes the feeling of happiness (or sadness) and never leaves you feeling alone. That emotion/chills you get when you hear that favorite part of a song, it has the power to make your whole day alright!

Besides these, being in love often makes one happy (with equal if not more parts of heartbreaks). And having amazing friends ( who are of the same wavelength as you) certainly makes one happy. Cooking and food in general too. Oh well, the list is indeed non-exhaustive.

So well, I asked the 3 people (who have the power to dictate how happy i am, 1 more that the other 2, because Reasons,) what made them happy.

Ms SS
Music, booze and travelling

Ms RPC
Hasnt gotten back to me, true to her being
Edit: true to herself, in a very commercial form (much like a beauty pageant reply), has just replied.
1. Making a difference (in people's live and in the world)
2. Reading a good book
3. Finding kindred spirits

So, leave a note on what makes you happy yea?

Thursday, June 26, 2014

10 Day. :)


Been ages I wrote anything other than my thesis. Probably forcing th 10 day challenge would work :D [or not :( ] But the harm in  trying right? But Langkawi on Saturday- Monday first!!!! And Tuesday, Experimental work starts, again.. Prolly Thursday? :D Heheheh

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

thingamagajics

Coracles racing on rivulets,
The worlds like that.
It scampers; darts along.

Our times are so,
Never stands eternal.
For memories nor colours.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

You Me You = Happiness

Life works in mysterious ways & that's the one thing that never changes (you know, like people say, change is the only thing that never changes, yeah, like that) Life, as they say, if filled with oddities (they don't say that? Okay.) And more often than not the reality is stranger than fiction. How else could you explain 3 girls from different parts of the world (Okay, i lied 2 from one part and one from the other part) bonding like sisters or even better, Best friends!  The 3 of us have no obligations (blood ties) to love each other, neither  the singular ownership reasons (Bf, husband, wife, etc) to love each other. Our characteristics are in contrast of each other as our Operating system is. Boyfriends may leave, husbands may divorce, but these girls? Im pretty damn sure, its going to take a life for one of us to leave.

But what makes this so damn bloody special is that we bonded (physically, and in an completely non-sexual manner) for a grand total of only 3 years and the love (touche) has now carried us on for 9 years ;)
Closer than sisters, thicker than robbers. These 2 rascals have a way of making things better & I know they'll always be around. They don't judge (oh hell, who am i kidding, we judge each other all the time , that doesn't change the way we love).

The SS is insanely intelligent, pretty damn sure of what she wants, secretly confused.
The SR thinks she knows what she wants & at the same damn time realizes she's fooling herself thinking she knows what she wants.
The RPc openly declares her confusion (although she does try and hide it, doesnt work RPc!) , she hates everyone, but loves the people close to her like a mother hen would :)

3 People so different, yet so similar in many ways. They don't have to explain feelings of ideas in details & more often than not, its a similar idea or view of the 3. I dont pray to god the love stays. Cuz, i know i dont have too (cheesy as fly!). I know the love (lau!) has no where else to go. And as the old saying (by us) goes, we belong together, like nose & whiteheads!

Much lau!

Monday, March 10, 2014

Whats real and whats not.

Some people live inside their heads,
only because whats inside is nicer,
the person in there is made up of unicorn piss and glitter rainbows.

And then sometimes you realize,
that imaginary person in your head,
isn't half as good in real.

Moments like that are heartbreaking,
outsiders will not understand why,
for it was only pretend, all along.

And those moments, although agonizing,
for even the safe haven, has been infiltrated,
is vital, for well being.

Reality can seem faker than dreams,
but accepting it for what it truly is,
will do a world of goodness.

Dear Self, its's okay,
now you can live in peace,
minus the what if's.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Demented Mind

Hungry,
Not for love,
Not for Monies,
Not for you.

Hungry,
for Happiness
for Joy,
for anyone who can give me those

Are you the one?
I don't know.

Perhaps not?
You could leave.

or Perhaps yes?
Maybe I should leave.

For I love this Hunger,
Perhaps I never want
To be satiated.

Friday, January 24, 2014

the ghost off my back

Growing up,
Facing my fears,
Accepting the past,
and letting bygones be bygones.

These are some things,
That I never thought i'd have to grow up to.

Calculating every move,
Mulling every action,
Weighing options,
Pondering decisions.

These are some things,
That i do now.

To let the past go by,
To let memories slide by,
And Impossible as it is,
To live as though nothing happened.

These are some things,
That I will have to learn.

During those gloomy days,
Ive found my ray of light
In between tears,
I learnt of how strong i was,

These are some things,
That I am thankful of.

Even as the cloud of the past,
Hangs like a gloom over my head,
I can see an ecstatic me,
Smile.

Knowing i have that the best of past,
Paving way for wonderful future i'm building myself .

and for that,
I'm grateful,
as i am who i am.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

To do in Malaysia

 Of places i want to see and things i want to do!

Halo non existent people :) i know im writing this post for myself and as a safe note to dig up later when i have the opportunity to visit these places ( which i know isnt too long before i can :-) )

I'm a Malaysian and i love this place dearly, but ive not been to every state in this tiny country and that makes me sad :-/ but by the age of 30 i'll be able to proudly say i HAVE! Among the states ive not seen and things id like to do when in those states ;-)

1. Perlis -  The smallest state in Malaysia bordering Thailand


  • Stand at the Msia-Thailand Border and click a touristy picture :-D
  • visit the rice fields, go fishing in the rice fields 
  • visit the fishing jeti when the fishermen are coming back home with their day catch


2. Kedah - Rice Bowl State
Go to Lembah Bujang  and marvel at its remains-before they are further covered :( (Archaeological evidence found in Bujang Valley reveals that a Hindu–Buddhist kingdom ruled ancient Kedah possibly as early as 110 A.D - Wikipedia)

LANGKAWI - Beautiful beaches
  • Get a tattoo
  • Drink till dawn and continue till dusk and then Dawn @ Pantai Cenang
  • Rent a cycle for a whole day and travel for as far th body can
  • Visit the Telaga Tujuh Falls & hike up the hills
3. Kelantan - 
  • Eat Nasi Dagang, Nasi Kerabu & Laksa Kelantan, 
  • Watch a wayang kulit performance & buy home wayang kulits
  • GUA MUSANG CAVING!!!!
  • Fly kites in Pantai Cahaya Bulan
4. Pulau Pinang - BEEN THERE DONE THAT !! Woot~

5. Terengganu -
  • Pantai Kemasik - walk up the Rock Island
  • Watch sea turtles nestling in Rantau Abang
  • Dive in Perhentian Islands
6. Perak - Over a hundred times :D

7. Pahang - Covered almost all the others except ;
  • Go Camping in the National Park ( fish, hike , night walking safari, caving, tubing)
  • Count the stars in the National Park  
8. Selangor - Home state Yo!!

9. Kuala Lumpur - Done done done

10. Negeri Sembilan - neighboring state, been there, done almost all thats there, Almost;
  • River trekking in Jeram Berungut
11. Melaka - Done Done Done and Done again

12. Johor - Almost a Second home considering how many relatives lived/live there ! Even then, ive not been around the place as much as i should have. Despite that, i dont know what id like to do there either.. Hmmph

13. Sabah & Sarawak - Never been, not even to trespass. These islands are like a seperate country! so much to do! Snorkel, National Forests, Camping, Hike up Kinabalu, Dive, Eat, Drink, Long House stays, Hunting - Aaaah! 

Posting all this makes me crave for a Holiday :( 

Sailormoon, come back soon! 

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Untouchables?

Untouchables,
what we label them

They build our walls,
They lay our floors,
They make our houses,
Is that why,
We shove them away?
Or trample all over them?

How do you label yourself,
To be superior to them?

Only because your ancestors,
Were blind enough,
To label themselves so?
What have you done?
That you put yourself,
On a higher pedestal?

You smirch your home,
She scours it.

You fling your dirt around,
She pick it up.

You're a foolish, bigoted,
Zealot.
She accepts & respects you,
Nevertheless.

Honestly,
How are you better?
Compared to her?

How did you decide?

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Slavery

Head over heels,
He wooed her,
He set her heart aflutter,
He convinced her,
He was the best for her.

She fell for him,
She accepted him,
As half of her,
He owned her heart,
Completely.

Then came a day,
He said,
Give me a million,
For otherwise,
I cant accept you legally.

It was ransom,
Kidnap of trust,
Breach of love,
She offered him none.

But she said,
To hell with you,
I'm a free person,
Never will I pay,
To be your
Slave.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Secrets

Secrets, they are the deepest darkest down in you. That you can never share, even with the best of your best friends. Somethings, although not too terrible or horrendous are just not meant to be shared. sometimes, its because they are close to heart. Sometime, somethings are just to precious and virgin to be spoken about. Discussing it would strip it of its purity, dilute its intensity and at the end of the day no one will understand its significance the way you do.

Sometimes, a secret is best kept secret.

Till the graves claim it from memory.

Secrets. Beautiful secrets. Letting you smile from within.

At the thought that, only you know something, that the rest of the world doesn't.

Secrets

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

songs on loop today!

The two end spectrum's of friendship can be described by these 2 videos :)
By the 2 ends, i dont mean one positive and one negative. They are both (profound :p) friendship based songs
:-D
i miss college all the more now!

Yaaron Dosti!



Sutta!!



hee hee . Enjoys!



Thursday, October 18, 2012

Of things I never understood

Studying in India exposed me to things I've never thought existed. It was almost like a cultural shock, although culturally, we are the same. Same-same but different as they say ;-). Before setting my foot in India, i'll admit that my knowledge about India came primarily from Indian movies, religious scriptures and well, the outdated  history we studied in school ;-) (Notice the pun? Notice? Noticed? Good!). So well, equipped with full knowledge about India, i packed my bags, packets of instant Teh O' Ais Limau, food, clothings, appa by my side and left for Bangalore. I knew nothing about Bangalore and didn't bother finding out either.  I was too busy saying my goodbyes, attending parties thrown for me and merely bumming around aimlessly like the aimless 19 year old that I was (I'm 26 now and still as aimless, sigh!)

So well, i boarded the plane, alighted, cleared the immigration at some 10-ish at night, and reached the hotel by 11-ish, only to be greeted by stray cows sleeping and policemen patrolling the street. Appa and I were stopped by the Police as we were struggling to drag our luggage, huffing and puffing our way to the hotel. Their Kannada infused English told us that Bangalore was in a perpetual state of curfew, where life ceased to exist past 1130pm. I was too beat to react then but I was a little shaken to see a street so empty. No such thing ever happened in Malaysia.  People were on the street at all times of the day, even if they were doing nothing, they were on the streets. So well, overwhelmed by all the journey and all, i slept (after eating some biscuits) and woke up the next morning and then realization hit me! I was away from home :( and there was no way i could say i dont like this place and go home either. Yeah, i didn't like the place as soon as i woke, even before it could make an impression on me. I'm bad-ass like that :-P. Appa  and I got dressed, called the agent who was supposed to help us with the college registration, had the dry bread-jam in the hotel and waited patiently for 830am (the sun rises early in that part of the world, so 830 feels like 1/4 day past), and the guy came punctually 2 hours late. He drove us to the college in a white ambassador( I kid you not!) car, through the back alley ( it was a red gravel road, not even a proper road actually) and i had tears in my eyes.  My inner voice spoke to my inner brain, " Shanky, you're so effin dead, what kind of place have you landed your self in?!", while i sat, tearing, in the white ambassador huffing and puffing on the red road to my Orange coloured college.

And the registration, at that time, sadly, went smoothly and appa stayed over for a few days before he left for Tirupathi and then back home. I remember having made 2-3 friends by then and not saying a proper bye to Appa as he was standing outside the hostel gate (I stayed up many nights crying about that, wondering why I did what i did. I still feel guilty about that). All alone in a foreign land, that speaks no Tamil, halting english (my friends at that time) and absolutely no familiar faces, i took solace in storybooks. I bought many books and would bury my head into it to avoid the stale, "Where are you from? Malaysia? Why have you come here to study?" to which i'd just smile., but inside my head i was killing them all. I got nicknamed Puzo, after Mario Puzo,obviously after being spotted all over MSR with The Godfather.

Slowly, I had started making friends, even without realizing ( so awesome i was that people couldn't resist being friends with me :-p) and i had lost the first friend I made in India (she turned out to be a psycho, a whole post has to be dedicated for that story). The more friends I made, the more i found out bout India ;-) and the more i ceased to understand stuff, which finally explains the title of this post. there were many things i never quite understood and found to be silly when i was first exposed to them. For example, i never knew why somebody would pinch me when I wore a new clothing and say new pinch! That would set a train of new pinches which you would have to silently endure and smile?! And then there was something called same pinch. Its essentially the same as a new pinch, where you get pinched merely for being same-same as the person pinching you! And then there were birthday bumps, where you get trashed for the single sin of being born on that particular day.

There were a host of other things I never quite understood, but now that I look back, I oddly miss all of those and more.  I miss the orange coloured college, the red road leading to college, the despicable hostel wardens, Riya's boyfriend - the security guard- Mishhraaaa, the psycho roommate only cause there were the 2 other's to save me from her) the first boyfriend (now ex, for reasons obvious- college laaaau), the horrible, bribe infused trips to the Police Commissioner Office for my Residential Permits, the Surekha maam ;-) , and the silly college rules. I would endure all that a thousand times over if i could rewind back time to 2005. I swear I would! Why would i go through all that i hated? Because i found so much more to love in India. I even grew to love all that i hated. Those made me love the Bangalore I love.

I loved the Hostel, and how you were never alone in the hostel, even at 3am, if you were feeling lonely and full of crap, you could find a friend to talk to, if you couldn't  you could just wake up any sleeping bandicoot and start talking like they were never sleeping in the first place. I loved the friends I made. I love the madness, uselessness i found in them :-p. I loved Holi. I loved taika! and dancing and walking to Empire for supper at 1130pm! for grub before getting into the auto on a 1 1/2 fare and cursing the auto-drivers all the way back to MSR. I love the cotton expo's where I bought 80% of my clothing's! , the Sagar samrat, where IlanoSankaRiya bought one thali meal and shared it and proceeded to steal all their mouth fresheners in a tissue paper, the Sankey tank, the numerous kind, wacky souls I got myself acquainted with, the host of awesome roommates I was blessed with- the one who fed me food, medicines and trashed my friends out of the room so that i studied and the one who had breezers with me, taught me chemistry and helped me build bridges ;-). I m thankful I stayed the entire 3 years , and I'm blessed I had awesome people around me.

I learnt Chemistry in Sonali's inhabitable room on her single bed where 3 of us would cram up like little rats and end up halucinating about being MSR's wife. I learnt that it is humanly possible for a person to shower for 2 hours 45 minutes and act like it was normal, I learnt how to write huge fonts and crap every 2 lines just to maximize the page, I learnt Hindi, and Kannada, I learnt how to ride a Pulsar and fall off it, I learnt how awesome it was to have friends following you around like homing missiles because you were depressed and spoke about killing yourself, I learnt how to enjoy idli-chutney-coffee every single morning, I learnt how to sing-dance-yell-act crazy in the rain, simply because no one knew who I was, I learnt how to walk 2km for rasmalai, I learnt how to adjust, how to live and most importantly how to have FUN living in Bangalore!

How? That's something I dont understand, and I dont attempt to either ;-)



Thursday, July 26, 2012

se7en


7 things I wish to do before I die

1 Watch an Ilayaraaja concert. Ze God!!
2 Read all 4 vedas and understand the concept and science behind them all
3 To travel at least to half the countries in the world!
4 To make a masala tamil movie, with compulsory inclusion of Namitha :-p
5 To write a book. Publish it. And write another one
6 To learn Kathak.
7 To cook and feed everyone around me. Rich, poor, loved ones despised ones. Everyone. At least once.

7 things I do not enjoy doing:

1 Writing meeting minutes. I think its a royal waste of my precious time and people mostly blabber nonsense in meetings! Blergh!
2 Being with babies/children for an extended period of time. What do you do with them after 45 minutes?
3 Antakshari. Any form, any language. I cannot sing. Even to save my life.
4 Worrying about uncertainties’ (It doesn’t stop me from being paranoid)
5 Driving in traffic. I rather sing. No, wait. I rather sit 46 minutes with kids.
6 Working in temperatures below 25Degrees. I can die of cold, Ok?!
7 Folding clothing. I detest!


7 things I say most often

1. Suuuuuuper awesome
2. Chill, why so tenjen?
3. Dei!!!! (Ala vijayakanth)
4. Ha ha, you’re so funny. ha ha
5. Kichuski/ Ranguski -how I call my folks when I’m feeling affectionate :P
6. Halluuuu?? 
7. Less tension, more work. More work, less tension

7 Books I like

1. The god of small things - Arundhati Roy
2. Ponniyin selvam - Kalki
3. Roots - A Haley
4. A thousand splendid suns - Khaled Hosseini
5. All Maeve Binchy's books!
6. To kill a mocking bird - Harper Lee
7. Shantaram - G R David


7 Movies I want to watch again:

1. Mouna Ragam. I love Kartik. I adore Mohan. I think it’s one of the best movies to be made. Ever
2. Roja. I watch it like ive never seen it before. True statement from Mom :p
3. Pretty Woman. I can recite the dialogue's for Julia nd Richard :D
4. Any/All Rajnikanth movie! Style Style. Super Style!
5 Kannathil Muthamittal. Maniratnam is a genius. He dilutes it by making hindi-tamil movies. When he concentrates on only tamil, he strikes gold.
6 Panchathantiram/Vasool Raja Mbbs. Comedy at its best
7 Any K.Balachandar Movie


7 pieces of Music I enjoy

1 Ilarayaraja Songs. Every single one of them including his non cinematic outputs! Brilliant!
2 Lemon Tree. Reminds me of college days :)
3 Dancing Queen. Abba :)
4 Songs from Padosan. Very cutesy cute!
5 Aint no sunshine when she's gone.. Awwwww
6 Nine Inch Nails.. Full on brilliance..
7 Cats in the cradle -Harry chapins version the best, followed by Johnny Cash's version